Page 27 - Lauren Lolo Spencer Issue

for them and can help them during incredibly difficult moments. The bottom line is, however you look at it, we all need each other. We’re better off when we’re con- nected in healthy relationships. My hope is that if we understand that, we can create the kind of society where everyone is included and no one is left out. Right now, there are too many people who are feeling left out, whether it’s on the basis of their health and abilities, their race and ethnicity, their beliefs, whatever it might be. People for one reason or another are feeling that they don’t belong and don’t have a chance to be a part of a real community, and that hurts all of us. That’s one of the key messages from our advisory: we should all be vested in how connected we are as a community, and when we talk about community, inclusion is a key com- ponent – that everyone is a part of that community.
I got to know over time some of the people who were sitting around me because there were some regulars, and I would just ask them, “Can you just watch my stuff for a couple minutes?” I was asking them for help. And while it seemed like that was really small, I’ll tell you, it felt really good to be able to ask someone for help and to have someone step up and say, “Yeah, sure, I’ll do that for you.” They didn’t know me and I didn’t know them, but we were having this really human reassuring moment where we both stepped up to be there for one another. And that always felt good to me, to ask for help.
And it starts locally. This feels like a big problem – one in two adults struggling perhaps with loneliness, that can seem overwhelming – but it starts locally. My hope is that people will think about the folks around them in their neighborhood, at work, their family and friends, and recognize that when we want to address loneliness, sometimes it’s just reaching out to someone for 15 min- utes a day to check on them and see how they’re doing. That can make a difference. It’s also making sure that when we are reaching out to people, we’re giving them our full attention, that we’re not distracted by technolo- gy when we’re having dinner with a friend or when we’re talking to a loved one or we’re saying hello to a work colleague.
I know it can be hard sometimes to ask for help. We live in a culture where we’re told, “Hey, you should be inde- pendent,” and that means you shouldn’t need anyone. But that’s not consistent with being human, because as human beings we all need each other. We’ll have moments where we need help and when we have a chance to help other people. So just remember, when you’re asking for help, you’re not just helping you. You’re giving someone else an opportunity to do some- thing that will help them, too.
And just finding ways to serve others. Gosh, that’s one of the most powerful antidotes to loneliness. Counterin- tuitive, perhaps, but it turns out that when we help other people, we forge a connection with them, and we also remind ourselves that we have value to bring to the world. That’s something we can forget easily when we struggle with loneliness. We can start to feel we’re not worthy of connection, that we’re not likable or lovable in some way. And service reminds us that’s not the case.
Murthy: Oh, my gosh!
Friedman: I’ve been active with them.
Friedman: Do you see that in the reverse also, that when you invite others to help, it has that benefit for them?
Murthy: (laughs)
Friedman: But thank you for doing that!
Murthy: That’s absolutely right, and I’m so glad you said that. It can be really hard to ask for help. But asking for help is not just about you getting help – the person helping benefits, too. I’ll tell you one small story that illustrates this, although I’m not recommending people do this. When I was working on a big writing project some time ago, I would spend time at a grocery store, in the cafeteria area. I would just be working and writing all the time. I was on my computer. I was there alone. But sometimes I wanted to go and get something to eat, go to the rest room, take a two-minute walk, just to get some fresh air. But what was I going to do with my computer? It was sitting there, with all my wires, bags, everything.
Murthy: I’m so glad that we did this. It was really good to talk to both of you. I so appreciate the work you’re doing in the world.
Cooper: I had mentioned earlier that Gillian had a con- nection with you that she didn’t know about.
Friedman: Oh! Doctors for America. I had no idea you founded Doctors for America.
Murthy: Wow! What a wonderful throwback! I love it. (laughs)
Friedman: I wasn’t founding nonprofits in my under- graduate years and early medical school – I was just try- ing to get through my schooling. (laughs)
Cooper: I’ll start listening to your podcast. Friedman: Thank you. It’s so nice to meet you.
Murthy: It was for me, too. Take care. I’m glad we did
this.
hhs.gov/surgeongeneral
ABILITY 27